i finally have an audience to ignore me.

i’ve had so much on my mind lately.

i keep promising i’m going to take the time to sit down and write all of my thoughts out, but instead i get home and get caught up in menial things or respond to work emails. 

it’s almost a month in to the new year and yet i keep finding myself making resolutions of sorts. i’ve been eating like such an asshole lately, and after being on a really long health kick, i miss the way i felt. i went to the store today and bought a ton of fresh fruit and other delicious things. i need to start cooking more. i need to discipline myself to bring my lunch to work. i have a slew of bad habits that i’m looking to kick and a large sum of good habits that i’m hoping to pick up. sometimes i feel like i’d be better off if i could press “delete” and start from the beginning.

i feel like the days are bleeding together for the most part. nothing too recognizable or crazy has happened lately. i work monday through friday. i spend most of the daytime hours inside. i spend most of the weekend catching up on sleep, errands, and laundry/cleaning, and before i know it, it’s monday again. i’m not complaining, by any means. just pointing that it’s completely different from years before, when everything was marked by what part of the country (or world) i was in. i know it’s 2006 if i was in rhode island. or 2007 if i was at the social in orlando. or 2008 if i was in baltimore. or 2009 when i was on two of the best tours i could’ve ever imagined. or 2010 when i was chasing my heart and my dreams around the country. 

i feel really, unbelievably fortunate to be able to work with people i love, work for clients that i believe in, and be able to afford to feed, clothe and house myself. i’ve come a long way. it’s just weird. i guess part of me grew up way too fast while another part way too slow. i miss the days where sleeping in was a thing and where when your heart broke, it wasn’t really all that bad. when lonely meant your best friend was out of town for the weekend. 

i just want to learn continually and be the best me that i can. i want to be happy. and i want to be around people that care about me. it’s hard to admit that if you don’t have all three, you’ll be unhappy— at least to some degree— but it’s so damned true. i know california is the right place for me right now. but i miss my family so much… and i feel like that makes me— at least to some degree— unhappy.

i wish LA was way closer to Miami. that, like when i was in college, i could just get in my car, listen to three or four records, and be pulling in to our driveway. 

i’m glad for where i am and what i’m doing. but i just worry that if doing what i love most means being this far away from who i love most, am i ever going to be truly happy?